Secondly, it feels strange to be here. Being back in touch with Krishel is good. I'm dealing with that residual jealousy you get when you don't want your ex but you don't want anyone else to have them either, since she's dating this new girl and is very happy about it. Thankfully she's very understanding since she felt the same when I was dating Kenzi. Or was it Jojo? Someone. But it feels strange because I'm screwing around on Craigslist and go to the Portland site and...well, remember looking at apartments, and right now, if things had worked out, we'd be in an apartment together, I'd be going to PSU, she'd be finishing up her Associate's, we'd be celebrating our first Christmas together. I was talking to this new girl I'm interested in and told her about how I don't really believe that when you meet the right person, you'll just know. I met Krishel, and didn't realize I was in love with her for eight months, and I'm presuming she didn't know she had feelings for me for the same amount of time. And then we did get together, and we were both very very sure that we had found "the one," mostly because we just understood each other so well. And at this point, it still scares me to think that she was it. The one person I could feel that for. That I'm now going to go through my life without feeling that again.

Thirdly, I fucking hate being a grownup most of the time. I'm sick of worrying about money. I'm sick of having to do my dishes all the time because my sink is so small and I had cockroaches *knock on wood that they stay away.* I'm sick of working at a job that I can't stand and not being able to quit because a) it's impossible to get a job in this economy and b) even if I could, I don't know what I'm passionate enough about to want to go to work every day. I'm lazy. It's a fact. I think the only job I could ever truly love would be raising my own children. But I'm far too young to have children and in order to be a full-time mother I have to have a wife bringing in money, which is a tad dangerous because I don't want to get married just to get married or just so I can be a full-time mother.

Fourthly, I go back and forth about how I feel spending Christmas alone. True, I don't celebrate it anymore, and I can tell you right now that tonight, the first night of Channukah, I'm going to feel pretty damn lonely, knowing that all the other Jewish people are lighting candles and reciting prayers and I'll be in my apartment, either alone or with some girl. And Christmas is just - Christmas. I've celebrated it for seventeen years, it makes sense that on Christmas day I'll wake up, cry for a few minutes over being alone in my teensy tiny apartment, then get on with cleaning or going to get Chinese food or whatever will distract me enough to not think about the fact that pretty much everyone else is with their families. Plus, I can't afford Christmas presents for anyone because I'm flat broke and need all the money I have to pay my rent and cell phone bill and internet bill, and my mom had to buy me a present to give to my brother and she has pretty much the same amount of money that I do, which is none, so I get to feel guilty about that now.

Fifthly, I don't write a hour every single day like I was doing, because I'm lazy, a I mentioned before. How do I ever expect to finish a novel unless I write for at least an hour every single day? And I know that I have to move to New York, because I can't write a novel about New York while I'm living in Washington. I'm poor, and I want a one-bedroom apartment when my lease is up in April, which will be more expensive, and I'll be even poorer, and even less able to save up money, but I'm sorry, I'm going crazy in an 8x10 room. It doesn't even feel like I've moved out yet, because it just feels like I'm sitting alone in my bedroom like I used to at my dad's house. I need an apartment with a separate kitchen, a separate bedroom, a living room where I put things like a couch and a TV and a coffee table and maybe then it'll finally hit me that I'm grown up and living on my own and all the shitty stuff about being a grown-up is what comes with the privleges of finally having clean house and food you like in the cupboards and decorations that aren't holdovers from the '90s and/or have the worst fabric on them because it's "tough."

Sixthly, I feel stupid writing about all this, because my close friend has had this really shitty thing happen where this teeny tiny boy is in the hospital getting things put in his head, and people are getting killed in genocides the US is too pussy to stop, and people are homeless because they're getting laid off left and right, and what the hell is a small apartment and a weird feeling about being here instead of in Portland with Krishel and shitty grown-up responsibilities in the grand scheme of problems? Nothing, that's what, and I should just count my blessings and thank God that I have heat, and a roof over my head, and food, and a job, and medical insurance, and a mom who's broke but offering me as much money as I need, and a dad who I'm not speaking to but is still paying my co-pays on medical bills.

I'm going to go be a shitty whiny person by myself now.